# portrait of a northern beauty attempts to define or trace the philosophical outlines as one stares into old family photo albums and thereby metaphysically examine the existential mood tones of one's own life image one: a group of twenty researchers standing together in a field in the deep north of endland the photograph has faded from exposure to ancient star light hitting the surface moving deep into its surface changing its gestalt of symbolic associations and meanings as though the star light is trying to reclaim all things back to dissolve the picture and its meanings back into the wider universe researchers are goofing around in the picture a few smile at camera while others appear elf conscious of the whole cultural phenomenon of photography one researcher kneels down at the front looks like they're terminally bored to the immediate right and behind them is a large coarse hedge the image feels like it was taken in the middle of september in the distance sit low tree covered hills the whole campsite they're visiting appears flat and covered with dirt tracks for horses low clumps of bushes around them are scattered bits of tissue paper and brown leaves over to the right barely in view is a pinky orange grey football in the middle background is what appears to be a portacabin classic temporary island unit of prefabricated shelter in which either a foremen or supervisors of different bureaucratic modes sit quietly with themselves a cup of hot tea one milk two sugars and a packet of plain digestive biscuits looking like alien anthropologists doing field work filling in forms faithfully recording locally gathered environmental or varied site data for example numbers of visitors to the site or bird migrations seen through the window imagine them watching horses and riders wander among tough dark grasses thinking back to ir own working class origins as a farm worker they're in ir early 60's now with a personality trope known in the uk as 'firm but fair' they do not like visitors bringing mud into the portacabin on wellington boots all the researchers dress in either green or dark blue overcoats with machine knitted red or white brown striped jumpers one can imagine dense fogs envelop the entire area of low surrounding hills horse shivers in the early mornings; absent minded birds gliding through silent misty air maybe one time in the distant past groups of humalien settlers lived here in the dense woodland which once covered the entire area wild boar once rooted for mushrooms and chestnuts the island as a whole undiscovered and complete unto itself elf a contained organic whole the camping site supervisor drives in early each morning after a hearty 'full english breakfast' cooked by ir terminally bored and television-dulled wife on the short but pleasant drive into work they listen with intent to bbc radio 4 in ir car a rusting y-registration austin ambassador as the heavily scaled armadillo kettle boils for that magical first fresh cuppa for the day they rub ir hands slowly together thinking robotically about another long slow day ahead researchers who visit this generally nondescript location arrive from down the long winding road into the next town it's clear from ir expression and general demeanor that while the site manager likes to see visitors happy they certainly won't put up with any quote 'monkey business' ah there they are behind three researchers to the right of the group the northern beauty displays what's known as a bowl haircut with side bits curling down around in a 70's way one is reminded of classic lite holo-tv show 'the good lite life' they're only another researcher and do not stand out from any of the others little sense of any future potential to be felt in this picture they're all everyday plain humaliens standing in a field on a drab camping trip in the deep north it's an overcast mid morning and for the most part they're having fun far away from double maths homework and the usual everyday pressures of deliberately underfunded uk public miseducation when most researchers from endland dust off old school photos they find in an old box they wonder where everyone else in the picture is right now but in this image it seems they will remain here exactly as they were outside of time there's no sense they was ever destined to meet you sometime in the myth commonly known as the future - something you've long suspected is an illusion as there is only now and now is far outside of time picture two: cold winters and interiors the northern beauty smiles at the camera a closed thin lipped mouth they wear a thick gray black tweed overcoat with a pop band badge on the left lapel and a thin circular gold earring in ir left ear ir face is pink and lightly flushed from the aggressive parental use of central heating technology it's stifling in here they've arrived back from shuffling around ir dead end nowhere village where they live or have at least tried to with ir weirdo pink lower-upper middling class control freak parents and are often starkly reminded that this is nowhere they stroll around the area during winter at least two hours at a time thinking ir own thoughts kicking at dead leaves lining silent ancient empty streets and wooded village footpaths parted curtains to ir right are same grayish shade of ir overcoat and show the window behind a persistent draft can be felt through the single pained 60's window beyond the fence at the bottom of the garden is a path leading down to what look like river barges floating by occasionally they'll wave to the owners from ir upstairs bedroom alone in ir room they play records like the clash the smiths the blue nile and daydream about the freedom symbolised by wild horses looking at them you imagine they like to 'keep themselves to themselves' ie ir secretly lonely they stare out at the river at the bottom of the unkempt and overgrown garden they do ir homework in silence and run downstairs whenever friends call which they do rarely since they don't know many others ir mother frequently tells them to be careful and not to 'clump down the stairs like an elephant' other kids think they're 'posh' and they're often bullied for ir accent - 'as though anyone wouldn't seem posh compared to a bunch of coarse and ill-educated northeners' ir family moved up to the village from further down south they wear ir favorite dark purple shirt and black jumper brought from a second hand clothes stall when ir family visited londonium one imagines it's often completely quiet in the house one has been in houses like this many times the central heating's on full it's stuffy and difficult to remain awake bodymind continually on the verge of drifting off as if after a full lunch of grease and sprouts existentially speaking it's as though channel four horse racing is permanently on one feels that nothing much ever happens around these parts apart from depression alienation terminal boredom and repressed desire of untrammelled freedom from the social uk village life has and will forever more be comprised of deliberate systematic silence and slightly plump flushed faces pinched by winter winds semi comfy holstered sofa units endless cups of tea disturbingly plain biscuits parental mumbling of various sorts over the fence gossip petty squabbles double maths homework slight drafts unwanted visits from relatives brownian dust motes gathering atop door lintels now and forevermore is the northern beauty lonely here yes: often do they enjoy public education well look at ir face: no do they feel isolated from other researchers have no way to express what they feel inwardly passionately in the inner barefoot worlds of imagination: yes there's few around here to call ir friend and talk with do they worry needlessly about important stuff that needs worrying about: yes do ir parents like sound of ir pop and punk rock records: no ir father figure the stiff dork often shouts out at ir daughter to 'turn that racket down' especially when rock lobster by the b52's plays in the lab background dear dense daddy is often away on long business trips selling oldskool washing machine sized computer equipment to middle sized companies does ir daughter have a rich inner fantasy life: not really they do enjoy reading pop magazines and occasionally thinking about that handsome young footballer in class who never acknowledges ir existence they dance around ir room and imagines travelling to cheap local nightclubs with good friends (those who don't drop ir when ir real mates appear) yet other than that they're still largely unknown both to themselves and others this of course is due to inexperience but also involves regular vague feelings of social isolation and existential alienation; fact is they doesn't say much of anything because nobody never asks this is how it is in dear undead old endland - the silent tragedy of listless half lives stuck for entire lifetimes a private existential shedscape of cosmic hancockian proportions picture three: living and working overseas they're now overseas in ir middle twenties still wearing the same long gray overcoat they had in endland also known as malaiseia ir hair is now long sporting blondish curls at the ends there's a private sense of ir being more of a real person they speak well in the local language as they order apples from a local market stall they now live with ir best friend from endland the northern beauty has a fine long nose and high cheek bones you find them / ir image beautiful and alive with intelligence you imagine they're assertive in ir job and quiet and reserved in private life through this image you almost feel ir past as a real standalone parallel realty complete to itself you two haven't met yet and they don't know you exist mixing impossible distance with the feeling two life lines are intimately intertwined in vortessence probably a damp load of old sci-romantic cobblers as life too often feels random or far worse merely arbitrary casually thrown together without care consideration or much meaning still events can be random and yet perfectly fated at the same time spacetime as all one a vast non-thing all at once and what one might consider a billion eons ago always was and will be right here right now the northern beauty is somehow alive and realtime right now as the realty represented by the photo they haven't aged one second and also simultaneously a billion eons have already past since ir deff that is consciousness and realty feel inextricably linked and spacetime is made of mind and is the fundamental ground of nondual zen realty therefore we're never born we never live and yet have also simultaneously always been alive and will never die that we'll forever be in our twenties looking coldly beautiful and quietly confident standing at a fresh morning market stall in the southwest of baden wurttemberg buying locally grown organic apples shining with dew this image too is another infinitely lost time fragment a superflat two dimensional sheet of infinite black glass upon which an arbitrary set of coloured lights have left a vague and beautiful fleeting sense impression northern beauty doesn't miss ir parents and definitely doesn't miss the old tired village they used to merely exist in the small bustling city they live in now is modem and clean ir job is often boring but they feel several new degrees of freedom are now available that could not of existed before in endland's tepid dreaming image four: the bridesmaid they all stand by the old crumbling limestone wall of an ancient church on a sunless day in early june dressed in what used to be called in endland a 'laura astley' type dress appearing as if made from garish 70's curtains puffy shoulders flowing and pleated with pink roses on a pastel white background a wide brimmed floral summer hat that suits them the northern beauty has this questioning expression on ir pretty face they're staring out at the rest of the gathered party guests a bouquet of flowers in ir hand a single strand of hair by ir ear across one fine cheekbone ir teeth are even and white ir forearms pale and thin they seem to be having a good time the brim of ir hat lays with a rakish curve over ir forehead something about way ir lips are set suggests an intense private sensuality the way that single strand of hair curls by ir left cheekbone that sudden intense sideways glance at the camera you'd like to go with them somewhere quiet nearby perhaps in a small silent forest clearing and by some rare magic they'd kiss you full on the mouth and you'd smell sweet perfume on ir slender neck gosh what a rush that would be the bride stands back behind and to ir right soft daydreaming clouds roll on behind tall hedgerows and a nearby thatched cottage from the looks of things it might rain later northern beauty bridesmaid aloof silent graceful and alone is more beautiful than the bride gently lost in ir own universe they feature pronounced clavicle bones as result of under eating despite the overall poor lighting you can tell ir skin is thin almost transparent at this particular period in ir young life they feel ok and in control about ir weight not happy as such but generally able to quote control themselves what does it mean one wonders 'to control one's elf' image five: long absent friends these friends lost touch entire lifetimes ago the frame is largely empty and so too is ir heart or so you imagine there's nobody they are looking for to tell them otherwise in the meantime you two have met at a crap northern uk university and have fallen in deep scientific love positively humming with desire // republic of bob