# optical character rich there was nothing researcher ocr rich wanted they didn't get not only were they spoilt rotten but ocr rich's folks could afford it with ease family ocr resided on the edge of fellow researcher henry swanson's crap mass suburban housing estate theirs was an old large house with dark leaved vines growing up one side ocr swanson and working ron were all mates who went to the same secondary school not true friends more random researchers thrown together out of terminal boredom they lived in general suburban proximity to each other and occasionally hung out when there were no better offers going ocr's gothic household of leaves existed with the curtains drawn except for tiny cracks in the mouldy darkness where they all lived and breathed real shallow ocr's dad was a private doctor who looked like a fictional cow doctor on channel zero smiling with ir hand up a cow's backside except they were partially bald the dad not the cow the entire family did noting but drive slow around town and speak with a hushed air of secrecy and shame they drove an old saab a real smooth ride - senses of refined luxury among henry swanson's endless working class days of rough heavy handed naffness ocr's patently insane freakazoid mother used to constantly hold on to the handle above the car door whenever they cruised the glacial mile and a half into town to go to marks and sparks for gin and tomato juice all of ir moomins weren't in the valley imagine dear robert lead singer of cure in expensive charity shop gear after a rough night stuck in a hedge ocr was a backwards trampoline fly fishing champ and made ir pseudo friends through taking part in flogging them expensive bleeding edge gear they'd order direct from maximum amerika swanson would often hang out with this researcher yet hardly ever other way around henry found ocr's existence amazing; someone who regularly had real interviews with pictures in real magazines others could buy from wh smiths for swanson ocr lived as though entirely disconnected from the ultra drab everyday nothingness world others like ir inhabited by default ocr rich's parents didn't understand ocr rich because they were born old rich lived with ir real mother under the oldie's roof in ir terminally dusty and emotionally overcast house-not-a-home belonging to ir sister's husbland henry suspected some heavy family-shame bs going on other researchers used to refer to ocr as 'slap head' due to ir wide expansive forehead which small native island birds often mistook as a tragic runway first floor room at the front of ocr's house was the play-state room and contained everything ocr had ever been brought as an utterly spoilt brat packed from top to bottom with quality plastic consumer items and none of ever to be thrown out since ocr had the idea to eventually sell it on for maximum profit ocr rich was the prime role model of the young obnoxious future conservative thatcherite venture capitalist punk henry was impressed by ocr's complete set of plastic star bores figures ocr's head was of course entirely warped and swollen by all this misattention and false that is economic freedom they also had this vile thing about never washing ir feet - any accumulated black flaky toe jam rich would often pick off and flick at ir mates for cheap suburban laughs one day ir mates had enough of this foul toe-jam flicking deal and held rich down to rub a whole packet of sainsbury's ready grated parmesan into rich's hair and all over ir student stink bed ir entire room stank for weeks but even then ocr rich never changed the sheets - yeesh what is this thing one feels when young concerning people one knows having more than they do yet somehow seeming far happier it's corrosive for all concerned ocr's old house was dark with damp mould and ancient leather bound books henry swanson used to love it's pervasive sense of mystery and deep time - peering into a family's entire history every moment a shared private language ir bland grandiose everyday dysfunctionalities being there soaking it all in - vast hidden spaces densely packed with interesting objects in dusty corners akin to an 80s ridley scott video grand historical works bound in leather concerning events of immense historical importance and intellectual significance huge private garden full of fairies earth spirits and secrets dodgy wiring and wild flowers an immense puff ball full of spores cold white tiled morning kitchens whispered undisclosed parental sins a pristine copy of jan pentowski's haunted house wide soft beds in the semi attic darkness distant memories and abandoned love letters forever unread at the dusty bottom of untouched drawers typical scene at the ocr household: sitting together watching mtv ocr rich had satellite television and satellite tv dinners long before researchers on swanson's backwater housing estate remotely realized such black alien tech existed ocr's real mom's knocks on the door telling ir brat to come down for dinner ir moms: darr-linggg din-dins is read-dee ocr instantly annoyed we're watching yo-mtv corporate gangster raps gets up to lock the door and slumps back on ir unmade stink bed moms: it will get cold if you don't eat it now darr-linggg ocr: chrrrist leave it outside the damn door will you moms: come downstairs and eat it properly will you darr-ling ocr: get stuffed we're watching telly moms no lie they talk like this: now don't talk to mummy like that will you darr-ling it's very rude ocr: for crying out loud sod off will you moms: please come downstairs and eat your din dins lovely ocr screaming: leave it outside the broody door moms: now don't be rude to mummy or your little friend henry will have to leave ocr: we don't want any dinner leave us alone ocr rolls ir eyes giving swanson that do you reckon look henry smiles awkwardly in return they can't believe the social unrealty of this situation the simple fact ocr gets away with swearing at ir volks noting that daddy is ir sister's husbland ir real moms replies: now richie we'll tell daddy if you don't come down right now ocr: stick it up your arts moms: now there's no reason to talk to mummy like that please open the door ocr turns the volume up to eleven on ir huge colour flatscreen and shouts: arrrrg flock off will you moms: oh pleeease darr-ling do what mummy says now good grief; apparently it was like like this all the time at the ocr household ocr rich never talked to ir folks except to ask for expensive consumer items and they'd automatically serve them up without question the parental figurines in return never once talked to ir bratty spoiled adopted son except to ask polite questions ocr rich thought worthless stupid and bothersome they only gave ir little lord fauntleroy whatever they wanted and stayed out of ir way in on way was ocr outstanding at school but did well at maths and cookery for while they wanted to be a cook but that dream soon fell to the roadside near a little chef a head for sums proved to work out well in the end since ocr rich instantly transformed into a real thatcherite sleaze o' business complete with a oversized mobile phone and winning thinning hair that's the main way they made friends like jf sebastian ocr got them when they wanted and liked seeing them smile imagining they'd got a good bargain when in fact ocr was a total ripoff merchant they sold on expensive second hand items ir volks recently brought but which ocr had no more use for car stereos video tape recorders quality fishing equipment large flatscreen televisions bmx parts dozens of pairs of box fresh skate shoes - all imported direct from the states and all of it for knock down inflated prices the researcher was a regular arthur daley uk cultural reference check: arthur daley a once popular character seen as a quintessential cockney geezer sharp and cunning as the proverbial urban fox arthur might sell you a dodgy motor that is personal transportation vehicle of questionable origin andor structural quality but they apparently have a heart of gold which is cobblers of course taken to its normal default extremes this means anyone on island who knows what an arthur daley is also regularly au-fait with the following daily cockney phraseology knowarimean mate / ask us no pastry and we'll sell you no pies / knudge knudge wink wink / got to see a researcher about a dog three for a pahnd they grow aart th grand / say no more my son / there's no munts on us drugstable blindin / sorted / nice one geoff / wotcha all right me old china how's the trouble / quick as a flash but for half the cash david bowie lp's / dooya want that inner bag or should we call you a cab it's wicked innit / how much they pay you to wear that do you noe ou i am / luvver duck / abosh / steady on guv / cut ir flamin' jacobs off got ammered last friday dinni / don't they look lover ly / back inna sec we're off for a richard wossat on your brown - do wot m8 - that nasty bruise - what nasty bru- sudden mew: mile end wallop researcher dr. orloff: wow gawd bless ya mary poppins it's a load of old donkey knackers innit fellow researcher henry swanson: how would you know your from some fancy south hole incha orloff: you've obviously been watching too much of once classic bbc comedy drama series steptoe - besides which you're from broody pmouth you're about as cockney as once popular online amerikan cockney emulator duck van dyke swanson: true but the legend arthur daley exists does itself exist orloff also thinks what's interesting is how could it not and sings: 'as i was walking through saint pauls some lady grabbed me by the hand' swanson: heh it's that cashmere overcoat that does it running around town in the old jag orloff: oh to have a 'runarahhhnd' jacket with sheep around the collar swanson: what a wizard wheeze it would be to turn up to a monday mourning university tutorial wearing one with pride a runaround jacket: a popular type of cold weather jacket used by all too typical street traders in / from the 'near-future retro 70s' a thick heavy light brown sheepskin jacket with fleece lining around the collar and cuffs such a getup often appears to complement fashion accessories such as large gold rimmed sunglasses several 'sovs' (signet rings) an inherently bluffy gold rolex a greasy bacon and brown sauce buttie and a cup of hot sweet milky tea an image of a bare bottomed tennis player on some long out of date calendar on the wall of one's only semi undead proof portacabin renta office in islington two fire bars on and a packet of vim under the sink all excessively banal in its greige existential error henry stares out ir campus student accommodation-cube window at the hyperballardian carpark beyond and thinks about ocr rich swanson: yeesh they're probably a fully fledged semi millionaire by now they wonder if rich is remotely happy andor remotely normal - that is slightly less of a selfish backstabbing greedy two-faced kickable nerk henry stares around ir barren room and considers researchers who don't make it to university yet seem better off financially emotionally and educationally mind you it sure helps if mommy and daddy are rich why are we here says henry oh yeah we're stupid andbut are actively trying to avoid ending up in some lousy dead end job lozenge like bits of useless paper with letters on them changed anything for the better except turning everything into more useless flattened pulp on the desk of a stationary company in milton keynes crumbling memory fragments / leaves in a forgotten box of dead suburban nowhere time but ooh boy that researcher's 'plates (of meat' = feet) didn't half pen they also once stole something expensive from ir own parents yet ir volks blamed it on henry and never once let ir in the house again but of course henry did it couldn't have been ir little slap headed angel nooo thing is ocr must of either flat-out told ir parents the thief was henry or systematically failed to stand up for ir as a true friend and say it wasn't ir henry however never took as much as the odd mouthful of stale dusty air from ir lousy rich miserable dump of a house thanks ocr you never were anyone's real pal and everyone around you correctly sensed you were little but a fair weather friend; a charmless greasy backstabbing little nerk who needed multiple quick stiff back handers across both cheeks to remind them such antisocial weasel behavior is intolerable // republic of bob