# shooting tourists from america with a smart phone > england was a place that was totally exhausted > ~ j.g. ballard interviewed by james goddard and david pringle (1975) scenario: a young hip couple from the states asks you to take a picture of them 'doing happy' they're a couple of blandly handsome and predictably beautiful lovers from overseas; both proudly wear the latest in transatlantic fashions and designer wraparound data-shades they look oh-so happy to be on the tiny backwater rock of "this island endland" note: they're not 'american' since there's no such thing as 'an american' - but simply live in north america but then since endland's been a 51st state for some time now maybe they consider themselves as simply visiting another part of teh fatherland and who on earth knows why they've decided to help uselessly burn around 16000 gallons of fuel only to visit this little conservative no-horse town with its endless 'ye oldie tourist ripoff' tea rooms you once mistakenly visited such a violently polite establishments for a laugh; everyone stared so hard you thought you'd accidentally stepped into a retirement home for the terminally uptight you winked at one of the local patrons and ir friend with the blue rinse almost had to defib the old dear after perusing ir unreasonably pricey menu you ordered a single award winning cheese pasty when it finally arrived it was microscopic - the cockney in you was sorely tempted to pick it up with ir fingertips look underneath and ask "oi luv wait a sec - where's the other bloody pasty then?" having said that it was undoubtedly delicious and savory - and thoroughly recommend one to anyone who regularly snorts around the grounds in a roller feeling self important http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrgwbkdoicy&theme=light&rel=0&w=755 the visiting couple stands out - a neon tinged pair of mating peacocks at an ongoing mormon funeral for the bland - but for many who (/try to) live here this quotidian non-place is so generic and listless it might as well be a random pile of dust on mars that is they just can't see the attraction had by visiting members of the easily impressed as you walk past the guy politely asks me if you wouldn't mind taking a picture of them you think "nice new smart phone wish i had one"; you also stare at ir wonderfully nice new female companion - who blinks uncertainly and you hesitate - the ugly confrontational side replying "do i look like a damn tour guide to you?" - but then just say "sure" ey gently hands you ir holy phone-object and says "all you have to to is press this button"; if only it was ever as simple and innocent as that 'brad' by pressing this button you're implicitly agreeing to the whole concept of tourism and the notion that there are 'other' places - and that it's ok to 'visit' them mind you it might seem pretentious at the very least to say "sorry i don't agree with the concept of tourism - it destroys the planet and reinforces the idea of inherently false nationalistic boundaries" then again the couple could just be a bunch of undercover narx using ir phone to take your picture and sample your prints for future entrapment yet this happy couple could also represent you and your girl when you (if ever) get some money together and go off exploring this endlessly mysterious living planet - like in indiana jones nah. what you didn't want them to leave with however is a typically condescending false view - so that when they 'return' to 'ir' country they say "oh they're so polite over there" yet there is no damn charming 'over there' not only that - it's often unwise to mess around with anyone who self-identifies with the cultural label 'american' since if they don't end up liking you or the country you live in they'll blast it forward into (ir) stone age with democratic freedom fries - "it's easy - all you have to to is press this button brad" almost all you see however is a bunch of itchy space monkeys spinning through infinite space - just forever out here ie. 'out here with the rest of us' in the smack bang of absolutely miraculously nowhere-anywhere "perhaps we're all witless tourists - stand ins bad actors greenhorns fumbling around in the empty darkness" so you sigh slightly smile - they pose out you take ir effortlessly joyful picture and they say thanks a lot and you reply "no problem" - but really we both know the ugly score we just never admit it you were however disappointed ey didn't say "have a nice day" since you're still (still?) waiting for the social opportunity to to bust out your dry "-i have other plans" quip // republic of bob