# america's best looking couple this is player robert what with another fast breaking gonzo hypernews story-space in what's becoming an increasingly common nonlinear series of public disorder incidents private cyborg rentacops were called to yet another violent incident / simulation at the strongarm burbclave today to deal with the shooting and injuring of the male portion of amerika's best looking couple in a statement written and directed by the pr manager of one of the victims and given by the victim itself in a nicely shot well rehearsed holovideo paid for by this station barry sexbeef - more well known by ir handle "captain handsome" - said the shooting was simply a misunderstanding and would not occur again the alleged incident took place at karl's steroid n' handgun store within the 'clave. another citizen belonging to this closely knit walled community of glossy mutants into shopping and self love jason ripnek stands accused of deliberately provoking mr. sexbeef into a fight upon which ripnek's (barely) concealed sentient pistol - a 25lb model .50 cal k1ll-r75 "street annihilator" given to all new burbclave members by loftleader industries for home protection - was 'accidentally fired' into the smooth freshly plucked and laser-taut abs of sexbeef it was only by the good fortune and clean analytical insight of captain handsome that they'd recenty installed a new set of titanium-ceramic abdominal implants that very morning (only $920 on special offer from loftleader - use the code #fakedev on our station's website for 20% off!) police droids interviewed the two parties over the incident; it turns out that at some point in the argument at karl's store ripnek took control of the in-store tannoy system using ir 1337 .mill grade haxx0r skillz gained by a free online course and shouted (paid-for transcript follows) > karl (store owner): i've met more intelligent shoelaces than you buncha suntanned freaks. get the heck outa' my store yer dumbells! > ripnek (burbclave citizen): "yo captain blandsome! your they-hulk wife-thing sure must get so sweaty during workout. that 6-inch flabia must give off a bigger reek than tsukiji fish market in summer - but it's still bigger than yours when you get pumped in the morning mirror amirite?" at this point the other portion of the sexbeef duo - 'pretty miss' camilla deadsquat - allegedly threw ripnek over the counter with one hand into a pile of really cool looking foreign video garme design magazines with those awesome postmodern typefaces. (ey is currently suing ir lightly for designer clothing damages and for the mental cruelty ey experienced through being forced to try to read) **update patch** the parties involved have since made up and have amicably agreed to split any subsequent media profits arising from this news story 70/30 (after our cut of course a-heh!) after several suicides at the burbclave caused by 'badroids' featuring unnotable b-listers viewers and fellow players will now doubt feel clean and refreshed to here about such exciting new(tm) developments. strange reports of 'spots of a colorless odorless oil-like substance' occurring on the imported white(r) tiled floors of strongarm community members are still being looked into by our crack reporting team of big scientists. as always stay tuned to robert what for maximum fun: everybody's favorite alternative-to-news station right across our neo-psychedelic virtual nation // republic of bob