# just realized i couldn't care less about the aspinall-gane fight i just want to know who one and then get on with the rest of my / this miserable half life once again the old neoliberal thatcherite brain worm writes inside my / this idiot space monkey brain and i think the classic mistake 'there are no problems i have that wouldn't be solved by being rich' this worm refuses to die because society has set up in my brain a set of cultural rules and instructions fundamentally set against reality and have imposed or rather colonialized my imagination to such a degree i cannot think outside the impossibly limited horizon of "having more zeros after my 1 in my account is the only thing worth striving for" **//** a somehow related aside to this am not sure but i feel over 30 years of intense artistic isolation far away from the company and companionship of others has or is fast resulting in my becoming a thoroughly miserable old basket even possibly fascistic (nihilistic outlook with reactionary fervour) like for instance right now i'm being forced to listen to /what sounds like the cave like grumbles and muffled shouts of cockney london criminal spillover scum of the air b&b idiots below instantly as a cognitive reaction i say to myself how perfect it would be to exist a thousand billion lightyears away in some safe warm upper middle class dwelling of one's own - far far away from these horrible little animalistic examples of inhumanity for all i know they could be complaining about something utterly mundane ordinary and everyday - not that this is a good or natural(tm) thing in itself - but to me up here in this cold awful overpriced rented flat with thin walls and little nope for positive change / upward social mobility they directly remind me of my own disgusting crimbo relatives back in the 70s i kid thee not the old basket of the group who looks around 200 years old sounds like ir's gargling bone dry sandpaper whenever ey speaks and the woman - sporting a face like a dropped meat pie - sounds like the most wilfully ignorant harpie possible overhearing them argue and bicker for hours through the floorboards is like something out of a two ronnies sketch as parodied by the league of gentlemen thing is i feel like right winger john cleese as a posh robin hood when ey says 'what awful people' when talking about meeting the poor(tm) thing is: i am poor - i'm from the same class - working - and all of my family were shifty working crims or closely associated with them my poor mother and i couldn't stand my father's family and with a few exceptions spent most of the 70s and 80s trying to stay as far away from them all as possible - them and ir greasy comings and goings ir dodgy dealings ir bottle nosed ways ir beer and ir vile fag smoke ir cruel laughter at old horrible racist tv shows both of which clung to your lungs and the inside of your head i hated all that loud ignorant adult noise and stayed far away in the next room reading books and playing with lego my poor mother was from an asian background infinitely poorer by every metric than the professionally miserable lot in london but maintained a /admittedly entirely delusional christian sense of right and wrong all ir life side note ever considered the very notion of 'the working class' is itself the biggest insult going - i like it when del toro's character in fear n' loathing turns to those brain dead reporters and says "class? what the flock do you mean" as though saying "don't you dare include someone like me (a high powered mutant never considered for mass duplication) in your ignorant social schemata" thing is: who can help restore my humanity except myself? who can help me regain my lost (not that i ever really had the opportunity to develop one) sense of social integration communion and community with my fellow idiot space apes see that's just it not only are we poor due to the inherent inequality of the capitalist system our poverty is an preinstalled false sense of anti-communistic solidarity with our fellow comrades how can we 'break the chains of our capitalist oppressors' (heck year sounds radical and worth a try) when the initial chains that inherently bind us as worker-slaves and deeply lonely have barely formed and we are scattered as seeds to the foul tasting post industrial winds of historical anti-change (glaciation fragmentation isolation alienation extreme existential despair) i suggest these problems and other associated existential commonalities / daily chewable miseries have been long since discussed by greater minds then i robert what - hardly a high barrier to pass - and have successfully articulated them to get numbers of accumulated working class peoples of might and struggle - in a medium sized shit just outside doncaster with the rain dripping in a guy at the back - maybe me in another timeline - listens to the orator's carefully chosen words of historical weight and philosophical import - the need to be forever watchful of personal slides towards fascistic misanthropic reactionary fear and /self loathing - for is not hated of 'the other' (however it is this week) nothing more or less than fear of one's own little shaking existential position in the cosmic void of daily uk grinding existence - and just burps loudly and /moon walks out backwards into the night where ey secretly boards a stealth ninja microlight ey assembled over several months using funds quietly siphoned from official party coffers used for tea and biscuits (hence no milk available at this evening's meeting) **//** possibility of a short term solution to my super aggressive rsi - the chance to book into a private healthcare clinic for an mri scan and a hydrocortisone injection isn't adequate private healthcare equity grand the people on the phone were certainly nothing less than consummate professionals and knew ir cheese roles backwards within half and hour i had an account set up for me all my relevant healthcare details entered and a chat with a specialist booked for tomorrow at ten not then i would ever diss crap on or punch down on the mighty nhs - ie the people who work for it not the institution itself (an important distinction) - but the acute and piercing pain i've been feeling over the past week would probably take another several months of bs 'rounds of consultations' before they finally recommended me to the hospital where someone - anyone for crying out loud - would finally relieve me of the constant hot searing pain in my shoulder and directly inject me with a pain injection probably worth more more than £10 but which the private company who makes them charges £200 whereas of course when you tell a private healthcare firm you're ill they start rubbing ir hands and start the rapidly speeding process of 'offering' you ever more costly treatments // republic of bob