# flock seinfeld a definitive statement status: underway > but it's not absurd; it's just shit ~ robert what on seinfeld recommend listening: try playing this hateful cia-torture-worthy song looping in the background while you read this statement you'll soon get the message https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcY3vTHfqgk this dispatch is for any philosophical soul in the republic who still loathes that wretched show and what it represents - who've been searching for a handy healthy and definitive historical statement summing up everything shitty about it. (i found this one stapled to a wooden telephone pole outside the local cafe.) henceforth whenever you say "flock seinfeld" say it casually - dismissively. feel good about yourself; no longer need one be afraid to stand up and be proud about stating the bloody obvious to the oblivious. then say "hey let's all go watch the kids in the hall instead!" the kids in the hall rules ![[flock-seinfeld-conceptual-painting-robert-what.jpg|800]] > question: what makes you depressed? > answer: seeing stupid people happy > ~ philosopher slavoj zizek // definitive statement begins "**tldr; in which to consider seinfeld the kenny g of comedy** one of the best initial reasons to justifiably righteously hate that show is provided by 'daniel' one of its bizarre millions of annoying and deranged seinfeld flanboys. observe this all-time classic response to a rhetorical question about the distinct possibility that his bestest inane media presentation and fave brand of flatly-stupid might actually just suck dead donkey nuts: > some people were blessed by god with a sense of humor. sadly these answers about seinfeld prove that these people lack one. much like some people lack athletic ability or have no artistic talent. it's quite sad because people who lack a sense of humor go ir entire lives without ever having a quality laugh or enjoying things that are truly funny > seinfeld is an incredible show with humor that is off the charts and plot lines that no other sitcom has come close to matching in the existence of television. the 4 cast members worked incredibly well together. seinfeld + david were amazing writers that we surely will not see again in our lifetime certainly not paired together. you can buy just about anything in this life but you can't buy a sense of humor > ~ daniel via yahoo answers thanks danny boy. keep on avoiding the medication; much like the show such faintly gleaming comedy pyrite seems worth at least one quality deadpan chuckle. notice how (much like the dod) the aggressive instinctual need for flans to 'defend'(tm) poor little billion-dollar syndication fee tv shows from it's humorless detractors. ooh the meanies! perhaps what's needed to be laughed right out of the room and off the stage are po-faced attempts to unceasingly mansplain to anyone within earshot how _the one show_ must _at all times_ be seen as funny. brother philosopher zizek terms this 'the (ideological) injunction to enjoy'. apparently one cannot do anything _but_ enjoy seinfeld to the max like it's physically impossible for seinfeld to be anything other than a self-evidently hilarious comedy classic. any and all suggestions of un-funnyness must be put down and suppressed - humorlessly and without irony. this process may be termed 'spaß ist pflicht' (pron. "spass isst flickt") roughly translating as 'fun is your duty'; an officially mandated cultural obligation. a warning: laugh or else yet if it's so automatically goddam brilliant so manifestly chortle-inducing so incandescently gut-busting and innately frolicsome why then can't seinfeld simply stand on it's own - without uptight and wrathful prostrating cultists singing its phrases around the clock? warding away the hate from it's holy gates. a beautiful comedy flower one may simply ignore or stop by to sniff for a moment. why take any well-practiced histrionic offense against those suggesting otherwise? one answer may lie in the fragile media-fed ego: what one laughs at uncritically one often tacitly agrees with. the underlying unchallenged premises so to speak. and so to not-laugh at the show may be seen as smirking at those who always find such scripted prolefeed inanities endlessly amusing. (why you mad bro?) **seinfeld - or how the endless half hours pass by glacial and recumbent** holy sweet elvis yahweh-on-a-stick. sitting through an entire episode of seinfeld feels like watching a corporate comedy salesmen take a slow white room-deodorizing crap in your eyeballs. it's as if cardboard and bleach had a mutant child and named it 'violently neutral' - or maybe just frazier. ("miles!" itself another shitshow philosophically speaking.) there's seems a queasy unacknowledged anger and poverty to the franchise slow boiling under its sinister surface of polite oh-so casual spiteful cleverness. a cloying smug air that makes one want to go full travis taxidriver and tip the tv over on it's end disorienting schizophrenic and brain-stunningly banal; to consider seinfeld as life with all the bumps filed off by committee; a consequence free trip into whipepo's zany-arts daily recreational psychopathology. like it wouldn't take anything more than a single huff and puff by reality before the whole synthetic house of cards toppled inward into the void of it's own bleached asshole despite what it 'clearly' states about itself seinfeld may truly just be a show about nothing(tm) - nothing that is but sociopathically myopic white privilege and polite class warfare. in which a random bunch of unpleasantly designer-neurotic self absorbed tosspots stand around tastefully furnished well lit midtown apartments spouting neuron-destroying terminally boring yada-yada bullshit. (as lt. hanna from heat would say "don't waste our motherflocking time.") **long live undead king jez** poor old jerry seinfeld (imagine naming a show after your ego - what hubris.) the very image of the quietly smug multi-millionaire jerk - the 'rule abiding rebel' with his luxury sports car collection $17k coffee machine and self-depreciating actually just well-practiced humility; that low-key take-it-all-in-my-stride approach to being smoothly disgusting (ie. rich white and famous.) the reason such 17-year-old dating slimeballs always appear so sweat free prepared and at ease is simply because they can flocking well afford it! every atom in ir nakedly opportunist weasel bodies screams 'groomed to the point of pathology'. yeesh what a creep seinfeld and company: grossest age gaps in hollywood ![[grossest-age-gaps-in-hollywood-seinfeld.jpg|400]] why do so many other megarich kleen-kut assholes so keen to go for rides in his super expensive cars? it's because old jez is one of them - cut from the same beige cloth. he isn't remote threat to the twisted elite ideology which birthed them - which keeps them in the power and privilege to which they're long accustomed. consider jerry as merely a true mensh of the system. his driftwood-dry bullshit hu-mor tumor brand directly reflecting an utter lack of genuine concern about anything that isn't utterly cosmically irrelevant to the lives of people who aren't like him and his $26 million private jet-owning world the slow greasy humor exuded by such toxic media lampreys is about as violently willfully non-political as it's possible to get. in jerry's little sealed worldview bubble real problems like sexism institutional racism ongoing anthropogenic climate disaster and straight up fascists of all kinds don't exist.. and it would seem impolite and un-chill to mention them to his dullard audience. (interesting how some uncomfortable 'social dilemmas' are worth mentioning more then others huh jez? the alleged shocking existential embarrassment of watching someone eating a snix candy bar with a knife and fork however isn't one of them you dickhead) perhaps we should stop continually hyena laughing / inverse-gagging at tax advantaged multi millionaires whose very existence is a sick joke at real people's expense. is it any surprise all 'comedy' yucks the pompous and self-contented pull out of ir corporatized arts are as essentially unwell and depressing as they are? **forever trapped in seinfeld standup comedy hell** know what could be a perfect facsimile of being trapped in comedy hell forever? those opening scenes in seinfeld where jerry's doing his 'real in-show life' comedy-zombie sthick. a real laughathon purgatory. oh god it's just so flocking horrible look at him up there - a frictionless little shmendrik posing up there in his tailored suit and nice shoes combo telling his monotonous little yokes through perfect teeth about things which truly don't matter to bunches of uptown yuppie shitheels who trade contaminated baby food stocks during the day and go to bullshit air conditioned comedy clubs near the wrong side of the tracks at night feeling edgy and pumped for the next day's hot exploitation. (more organic italian bread sticks and guilt free martinis anyone?) you gotta love the way the gentle tinkle of glasses the polite laughter of dummies and the way the soft stage lights gently and synergistically complement the freakishly understated luxury of jerry's 90's ceo mullet. smell the efficient cleanliness of the whole bleached act where every syllable has been professionally vetted to be as offensively-inoffensive as possible; golf course era bob hope comes across like bill 'guevara' hicks by comparison it may however just be all utterly batshit - like something straight out of american psycho (to paraphrase: "you really like this kind of comedy patrick?") the exact airless middle of the road is the worst place to stand jez. garish neon displays of limp mcdonalds burgers often display more authenticity and spontaneity to consider seinfeld - the man or the show - as a one trick pony flogged to undeath; the entire trick being that you've dragged out an entire career of convincing the wide eyed and easily pleased that your not simply another macher - an oysshteler a tuches lecker - a safely conceited little shmegegge so very eager to please (himself) in short a pseudo-humble little man of no real importance who adored every single stitch of misplaced attention that wafted his way. (is it simply because comedy standards are so laughably low that dullards like seinfeld are so famous?) standing up there along under those spotlights in front of that lynchian red curtain. basking in the pathetic delusion one is the true comedy god. the thinnest and most etiolated of mediated illusions soft hands filipino-maid-starched collars and front row mets seats; seinfeld as the desperate transparency of the rich male ego laid bare. paid a cool $1m per episode - and even offered $100m for another series (wow for that watery bile? flock me.) ultra lame arts pseudo-jokes about food cellphones relationships - whatever the hell jezzy chooses to fart through his shiny gob about. and all from a distinctly upper west side perspective. zero real emotion compassion or possibility for true human connection. the flattened-toothpaste-tube comedy of the gilded one percent with more time on ir bloody manicured fingertips than any truly common sense about humanity whatsoever. zip up baby your class - and lack of it - is showing compare and contrast the sensitive caring comedy of marc maron or the one man routines of eric bogosian which easily dump on seinfeld from severe heights without effort. bursting with angry laughter desperation and pain they display nuanced humane qualities that seinfeld doesn't even bother _imagining_ it features. instead there's just the refined canned air of bullshit apparent universalism; that whole "gee-wizz ain't it so funny and strange down here on earth? don't oh-so minor misadventure stories like 'waiting in line at a restaurant noticing someone's odd behavior' or 'having an amusing run in with a bank teller' resonate with us all?" good grief said linus no they flocking don't. consider seinfeld as decidedly anti-existential a willful bad-faith act. that it only really gives a shit about itself (and what's that exactly? a hollowed out bunch of bupkes. in short a friendless smug golem) and anyone who trots in late to the show with that ancient hoary line 'but the show is a clever deconstruction of the sublime absurdist minutiae which makes up all our lives' may need to stop sucking the tailpipe of jerry's expensive motorcars. or just wake up to the sad fact ir lips are burning. seinfeld 'deconstructs' absolutely nothing; it may just be simply pleased with its own dumb cleverness. a blind worm watch at seinfeld positively writhes around in the shallow lukewarm spit pool of its apparent smartness. talk about a bunch of naval-gazing lint and pocket piffle dressed up as 'slick' 'hip' and 'contemporary'. terminal bowel cancer seems hipper and more 'timelessly funny' here's a summary of every corporate-slick professionally dialed-in assembly line processed-cheese seinfeld episode ever pinched off: > smug tosser one: soup? i mean as a concept > smug tosser two: ha yeah soup! about that soup wow.. unbelievable > smug tossers one two and three look at each other (pause): soup. (they get ready to go for soup) > smug tosser four appearing from behind door: anyone mention soup? -and the gathered crowd of storefront dummies goes wild. wankers; get collectively yeeted into the nearest primordial black hole (btw this particular philosophical punishment is termed 'the looser'.) seinfeld as truly small-potatoes writ large **now showing - seinfeld: the grey rundown** from the second the show starts: dig that lousy 90s hyper-corporatized logo which like some shitty aol-style restaurant chain founded by harvard millionaires screams "make everyday a seinfelds!" (note on the gentrified street says the tossed salads with fresh organic cilantro - particularly wholesome and nutritious. just not philosophically; it all stinks like shrink-wrapped corporate pap) next arrives jerry's hyper-inane opening monologue. like some unskippable 90's dvd cutscene or a pop-over aol website ad for professional asshole lessons then immediately swaggers along that truly awful excruciatingly annoying theme tune arriving complete with its own set of corporatized adjectives; 'funky-fresh' 'oddball' 'daring' 'dynamic'. to which the correct response is "switch that super flocking annoying shit off bitch this ain't no dave matthews band concert" **seinfeld scene-transition slap bass drinking garme** about that bastard seinfeld bass theme. hoo-boy: every time it plays a tiny vent opens up and a demon of mediocrity flies out to listlessly slap the face of the nearest tv-watching simpleton. it's the ultimate idiot's audio queue signifying that a good safe time is about to start. again and again. signalling bright braying donkey laughter or performing seals clapping mindlessly in order they receive the next rotting musical fish head. it's like victor wooten developed a particularly smug brain tumor that couldn't stop overrating itself - forever overplaying a shitty bass line direct into the televisual void whenever that hateful seinfeld scene transition slap bass plays down another shot of the good stuff turn to your right and unceremoniously thwack the nearest chuckling flanboi obliquely across the top of ir eggy head with a burning kayak paddle dennis leary style. they'll thank you for it later - if and when they regain whatever self-parodying semblance of consciousness they had before buying the complete boxed set on ebay. (can you even imagine watching the whole flocking thing? jeebus. entire curtain-drawn days of quiet low-key amusement and gentle socially awkward bemusement. man that's some bullshit right there) people on-net have satirically cut together seinfeld videos without people - just scenes of empty apartments. or seinfeld without the laugh track. it's faintly terrifying and reminds one of scenes in the first resident evil movie. (in the hive one room has a window which displays cardboard diorama sights and sounds of a city. a character says with deathly realization that it "makes it easier to work underground thinking there's a view.") such light sarcastic edits clearly informs anyone with functioning levels of neural discernment that seinfeld may be merely full of it and it should simply be discarded to the comedic landfill. a shell of a program almost entirely without substance - despite and because what it states to proactively avoid potential criticism (a laughably common tactic among the 'but-that's-the-whole-point dummy' style witless.) like many other similar shows with the same apparently-oh-so-clever writing seinfeld displays the very unwholesome symptoms of those aspects of modern society it seeks to laugh so cruelly about. it's the very symptoms it _allegedly_ critiques consider seinfeld as merely the syndicated daytime tv show equivalent of garfield or doonesbury. deadpan: "go on make me laugh doonesbury." make us laugh seinfeld - just once. we dare you. when all anyone really wants to do is reach over and casually clack its self-satisfied kneecaps with a steel ruler. one way to consider the shitty characters on seinfeld is as psychic leeches. or those tiny birds which pick the decaying scraps of half-digested random crap from the idle plastic teeth of the tv-reality crocodile - amusing themselves endlessly with ir own misperceived intelligence (and usefulness as distractions from ir own undiagnosed awfulness) **the ideological surface ugliness of seinfeld** the disgusting racist outburst of seinfeld actor michael richards at a real world comedy club back in 2006 should surprise nobody. in fact it precisely mirrors the repressed white aggressions of the show itself. just like in fight club: "under and behind and inside everything this man took for granted something horrible had been growing." consider seinfeld as anti-comedy - it's list of subjects deliberately never mentioned the epitome of everything safe contained conservative uptight-and-anal and positively nixon-era friendly. a super bland comedic whitewash. yet the real ugliness is always there - right at the very surface. hidden in plain sight it's _the_ straight wack show for warmduschers who prefer ir comedy sans-comedy cynically swapped out with corny quirks and neurotic quips. consider it merely monstrous however; smoothly garish and aggressively plain. to look in any decent media encyclopedia under the term 'lite and horrible' and find it there > you don't get seinfeld. either you don't get it you don't get the humor or you're not smart. seinfeld is required viewing for anyone who appreciates intelligence and comedy > ~ jake 'severely deluded' pitsenburgler the anti-philosophy on proud display in every frame of seinfeld: nakedly misanthropic designer apathy or playful anti-humanism. and millions of rubbernecking slow-motion-car-crash voyeurs faithfully tuned in every week to stare at it. how it seeks to diffuse and distract from these facts however is through acts of what it imagines is its 'absurdity'. but it's not absurd; it's just shit larry david's mantric existential policy for the show - 'no hugs no learning' - is what's truly socially awkward about seinfeld. it merely makes casual cruelty and dumb un-earned laughter socially acceptable. what flanz remotely imagine they're constantly laughing at is nothing more than the socially awkward unconscious realization that they (just like the cast members but without the millions) might also just be giggling slightly obnoxious no-life idiots. quietly insufferable braggarts too cool for (a good swift) schooling everybody talks about confidence as a-good-thing. especially in show biz. "if you wanna get anywhere kid ya gotta have confidence." thing is the only total-confidence on display in seinfeld may just be the presumption brashness and impudence of living as a smart-mouthed asshole without consequence that particular shit-eating facial expression seinfeld is a master of and is almost never without - you know the one that 'half-hurt half-dumbfounded' look which cries out "i just _can't believe_ nobody but me cleverly acknowledges the sheer social awkwardness of this guy and-or situation!" chrrrist one wonders if he practices this sthick in the bathroom every morning. (apparently he stopped doing it shortly after a giant scaly red hand came through the mirror from the inverse side grabbed his designer collar and told him to "flocking quit that annoying shit.. you forever inwardly-grinning little prick") it's the sneering smirking confidence of snobs that anywhere else in reality would directly and unceremoniously result in a distinct loss of teeth and a bloody nose - but which in the one show is only ever congratulated. like those 80's teen movies in which social upper crust members of the cruel hearts society make a huge public display of 'simply not knowing what to do' when encountering someone from the lower untouchables. some poor nerd who accidentally says "hi" or even younger member of ir own club who not yet up to speed with every one of ir bullshit internal rules acts inappropriately before royalty. the visceral response is always utterly ott: "like omg. i can't believe this is happening to me." oh how they wince and shiver at the mere presence of the awkward! poor little things (after all who hasn't repeatedly and consistently winced in true existential pain each and every single time some weirdo stranger has dared to fail to live up to one's aggressive borderline fashy notions of 'normal' 'sensible' 'reasonable' and 'socially acceptable' behavior?) **i once watched seinfeld's one man show** and was pleasantly surprised - heck i even laughed out loud at some of jerry's yokes. but then an old familiar feeling surged back into me around the half way point - that whatever this tasteless dross i was watching (akin to liquid synthechicken paste by loftleader indusries) was so violently toothless so utterly devoid of genuine concern interest or understanding for what truly matters - that i begin to feel queasy; the more i stared at seinfeld's soft smug glowing face and nice white teeth set against an audio background of soft white laughter and the tinkle of glasses i realized that the very idea of 'seinfeld' as a form of anti-comedy must die - horribly if possible **seinfeld cringe talk** consider seinfeld a world-class leader in weaponizing shame. that it played with cringe before cringe was even a thing. it makes such a big unnecessary fuss about one minor aspects of living in society; social awkwardness. (what might be truly awkward is why exactly seinfeld considers _everything_ in the universe so goddam awkward.) every time a stranger does anything the cast considers 'bizarre' the cast has a collective tonic-colonic social seizure. "omg these people simply have _no idea_ how to act normally around us clever humble and well adjusted modern citizens!" you'd think everyone else in the bizarrely insular seinfeld universe were simply aliens or some shit that is seinfeld seeks to quietly but systematically shame humiliate and degrade people they feel 'don't fit in' - who make microscopic mistakes or minor faux pas - mere off dance steps in society's ballet - or who simply don't want to deal with the character's time wasting rule-crazed (ideological) nonsense. while this holy trio of dickheads somehow consider themselves the true 'awkward outsiders looking in' they're the real moral guardians gatekeepers and controllers of everything they see - which apparently is always worthy of unending sarcastic faux-bemused commentary. despite ir feigned awkwardness they alone are the cool self-anointed ones who get to decide what's 'cringe' imagine if every thirty or so seconds a close friend was publicly and condescendingly amused bothered and bemused by the apparent social awkwardness of others. pretty soon you'd take them quietly aside and politely suggest they get into serious therapy - or simply stop acting like a flocking weird dickhead like seinfeld as a whole maybe there's no real mystery; the reason seinfeld breaks the social contract and repeatedly 'says the quiet part out loud' might be because they're simply ignorant bastards.. unceasingly giving the big laid-back stink eye to the world to anyone who violates what apparently everyone knows is the norm(tm). but then they do ironically know what the dominant societal norms are - politeness. compassion. listening silently without judgement in order to learn. they just choose to ignore them. instead they merely enforce ir own vacuous 'standards' which in reality they alone get to define and enforce. a decidedly trumpian worldview. seinfeld as smirking authoritarians. but remember it's all just a joke man - why so serious? (that is: we're politely flocking _telling_ you - you must at all times remember it's 'just a joke') this ideological tactic no longer works seinfeld. we've got your number now. never have the words 'irreverent humor' felt so utterly loathful and acidic. seinfeld as a kind of living death. may we all curb our unrelenting enthusiasm for it; stop constantly informing others about our un-diagnosed mania for such banal dross. what might be truly embarrassing is to simply know people so susceptible to such twisted anti-humor even exist. everyone who's ever accidentally watched seinfeld has felt as as though living on the outside of a cruel lame inside joke - peering in at the private lives of wealthy strutting bleached assholes at play. let us therefore stop staring blindly at such existential-trauma porn; it's unhealthy. to consider seinfeld a historical gateway drug to outright cruel dumb shit like ricky jervais. (btw flock that dickless bullying turd) **questioning the vacuous seinfeld 'philosophy'** this definitive statement exists for everyone who clearly understands that everything about seinfeld might simple be insane - precisely because it imagines it's inner worldview as perfectly sane; artistic genuine spontaneous and authentic. it might however just be lying to us the same way it lies to itself. conveniently self-mythologizing it tells itself what it has to say and how it says it's cool innocent 'honest' - and worth paying attention to. yet (shock horror) it may not be; in fact the term 'seinfeld' has now been at least partially recognized as a type of mental media health issue: > "seinfelding": recurrent and intense intellectual and emotional arousal from observing tv characters who are nakedly low in ir soul - trapped the process of yapping about violently mundane bullshit engaging in smug minor urban activities as manifested through lightly twisted mass cultural fantasies ideological urges or cruel behaviors ie. acting shitty towards others seen as less clever as 'weird' or 'awkward'. the main symptoms are bizarrely performative public acts of faux incredulity and the sick dry canned 'studio' laughter of the easily pleased and perfectly distractable - all bizarrely set to the sound of some intensely annoying scene-transition slap bass tune unceasingly repeating in the background of a long empty tv studio (/apartment) for no good flocking reason > ~ from "flock seinfeld": a useful definitive statement (republic of bob) in reality the show may only really be as 'clever' as those oh-so-tiresome 'fifty shades of greyscale' books on amazon. "gosh how clever. i simply must buy into it!" be honest now; who wouldn't want to see the entire cast and crew suddenly get savaged by city wide hordes of rotten blue-grey ash faced flesh eating undead - screaming with disbelief at the deadpan comedic injustice of it all ("i mean we were just about to go for an uptown decaf vanilla latte and spontaneously share amusing bon mots about exacting social mores and ir associated embarrassing minutiae!") until ir collective soul-dead eyeballs burst from the existential bite pressure > (..) that became my reality. i ignored the squalor in my own life because i'm looking at life through jerry's eyes. living in twilight george. living in the shallows. living in the darkness. like you.. oh yeah. i can barely see you george. it's time for us to grow up. > ~ kramer from seinfeld (in a terrible moment of actual critical self-aware reflection) seinfeld? feh! yeah it could be called 'a show about nothing' because that's precisely what those in charge need to have in our skulls if we watch it. and continue watching it. it's one of those shows that will live in the hell-of-syndication forever because it - just like globally metastasizing all amerikan kulture itself - appears to exists within its own evergreen televisual hyperreality. a twisted little vision of new york that's obviously based in (lifeless and color-free) 'l-a'(tm) populated by a collection of impossible impersonalities who might not in fact be heartwarming caricatures of actual people (or heroic antiheroes) - but like those hateful braindead twatlords in 'friends' - merely a heartless bunch of stupid munts enough of soul-sucking sanitized american dogshit; flock seinfeld ba-ding-durm-dum-ding-dum-durmdum-dung ba-durm-dung-dung" arrrgg!!  // definitive statement ends // republic of bob